


Fake Smiles

by kookoo76



Category: MCND (Band)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, depressed!seungmin, literally tears every minute, sad seungmin, theres a lot of crying, worried huijun, worried junhyuk, worried minjae, worried sungjun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:34:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23477800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kookoo76/pseuds/kookoo76
Summary: You’re not good enough to be with themThey all hate youThese are the kinds of thoughts Nam Seungmin had every single day
Relationships: Nam Seungmin | BIC/Song Minjae
Comments: 5
Kudos: 51





	Fake Smiles

**Author's Note:**

> this might be triggering to some people and if you didn’t read the tags there is self harm, besides that i hope you enjoy uwu

Seungmin was currently lying down on his bed. Letting his thoughts consume him. Not the good ones either.

What if he wasn’t good enough to be an idol?

Would it be better if he just left the members? They’d be happier without him wouldn’t they?

He’s just a burden to them. 

That’s right, just a burden they have to deal with.

“Seungmin hyung time for dinner!” He heard Minjae yell from the kitchen. He wiped the fresh tears that were on his face and forced himself off his bed and went to the bathroom to wash his hands. 

He looked in the mirror and cringed at his self. He splashed water on his face to wash away the redness and dried tears.

“Good enough.” He mumbled as he turned off the faucet and walked out towards the kitchen. 

He mustered up his best smile and walked towards the empty seat. He was the last one there. The others were already talking and eating. 

He stayed quiet and just listened in to their conversation, not feeling like one to talk and join in. 

He took a bite and felt a little sick, don’t get him wrong, Minjae’s cooking is the best and by no means tasted bad, he just didn’t feel like eating.

“Seungmin hyung aren’t you gonna eat?” Junhyuk asked. “Oh uh... I’m just not that hungry.” He said while making the effort of putting on a half-hearted smile.

The members frowned at him and he panicked.

Stupid kid look what you did.

See they hate you. They don’t want you here. 

He looked down at his hands, tears threatening to fall. “Hey, can you at least eat as much as you can?” Seongjun asked him softly while rubbing the younger’s back. 

Said younger looked up and slightly nodded. He grabbed the fork again and took another bite.

His stomach turned and he really didn’t want to eat it, but if it was to make Seongjun happy then he was gonna do it.

He poked Seongjun’s leg gently and waited for the older to look at him. “‘M full.” He mumbled. Seongjun glanced down at Seungmin’s plate, he ended up eating a little less than half, he wanted to eat more to make it half but he just couldn’t. 

“Oh, okay. That’s all right.” Seongjun smiled softly at him taking his plate. Seungmin returned a half-hearted smile and walked away. “Goodnight guys.” He said. 

The members watched as the shorter headed off to his room in silence. Once they heard the door close they all let out a breath they didn’t know they were holding.

“I’m worried. I haven’t seen him eat much this past week.” Huijun frowned. “Me neither, and his eye bags have been getting darker. I pass by his room sometimes and still see the light on. Sometimes I hear sniffles and I really want to ask him but he’ll just say he’s fine.” Minjae added.

Seongjun sighed. He knew they should talk to Seungmin about it and try to figure out what’s wrong but the younger always just pushes them away and says he’s fine. 

“Let’s try asking him tomorrow.” He ended up saying. The members agreed and went to their rooms, Huijun staying behind to wash the dishes. 

-

Seungmin sat on the floor. His knees to his chest and let out another sob. He couldn’t help all the thoughts going across his mind right now and they were driving him crazy. 

Do it. You know it helps.

The voice echos through his thoughts. Before he knows it he sits up and opens a cabinet. 

He grabs the razor that’s always stored there and stares at it. The corner of his lips twitched and he brings it up to his arm.

If this is the only way to keep his thoughts at bay he’ll take it. He pressed it down on his skin and drew a line. 

Tears threatened to fall as he applied more pressure to the blade. He lift up the razor and stared at the red line. Blood was starting to drip.

But his other arm brought the razor to his arm again and cut another line as if he was under a spell. 

At that point the dam broke and all his tears started streaming down his cheeks like a waterfall. 

Why are you like this?

You’re just a broken person. They wouldn’t want someone like you with them.

Once he came back to his senses he looked down at his arm. It was full of blood now and he couldn’t see the cuts anymore.

He grabbed toilet paper and put some water on it. He rubbed the cuts and cleaned his arm with it. He walked out of the bathroom and decided to change.

The wounds haven’t stopped bleeding. “I’ll just ruin one of my hoodies.” He mumbled to himself. He grabbed a black oversized one that has been sitting there for quite a while (since it doesn’t fit him.)

He took off his shirt and looked down at his torso. 

You’re so fat.

“I know.” He whispered to the voice, pulling the sweater over his body.

He went back to the bathroom and cleaned the razor before putting it back in the cabinet.

As he turned off the bathroom light he heard a knock on his door. “W-Who is it?” He weakly asked. So quiet the person outside might’ve not heard.

“Me, Minjae.”

Seungmin walked over to the door and opened it, revealing the pink haired boy. He looked up at him and tilted his head in confusion.

Minjae took that as a sign to start talking. “Can I come in?” He asked.

Seungmin bit his lip, something he does when he’s nervous, but let the taller in anyways. 

He kept pulling down his sleeve in hopes of trying to hide it even though he knows the younger couldn’t see it. 

Said younger sat down on his bed and motioned for the smaller to sit down next to him. He obeyed and plopped down on the spot. 

Minjae took Seungmin’s hands and started at the older boy.

“Hyung... I heard you crying.” Minjae spoke softly and carefully. Seungmin darted his eyes away from him and stared at the floor instead.

Minjae grabbed his chin and gently tilted his head towards him. “You know you can tell me, or the members, if something’s wrong right?” 

Seungmin really thought that his tears had ran out after his session in the bathroom but finds out he’s wrong as he feels his eyes tearing up again. 

“D-Don’t worry, I’m f-fine.” He said giving a fake smile. His hands were fiddling with the sleeve and trying hard to pull it down.

Minjae looked at Seungmin confused as he saw the older pull down the sleeve desperately to the point the sweater was starting to fall from his shoulder.

“Alright.. Also, I think I left my ring in your bathroom.” Minjae said as he walked towards the small room. 

Seungmin watched as Minjae entered the bathroom and immediately remembered about the toilet paper. “Well, he’s already in there...” He whispered as his lip quivered.

The younger found his ring but while he was leaving he noticed the trash bin. The bloody toilet paper made his eyes widen and a wave of realization came through him. 

“S-Seungmin hyung!” He choked out as tears started forming. 

The shorter male was sat on the bed, staring at the floor while tears fell from his face and onto the ground. 

Minjae walked up to him and grabbed his wrist. “H-Hey-!” Seungmin yelled as he yanked his arm away.

The younger grabbed his arm again a bit more firmly. “O-Ow.” Seungmin quietly hissed in pain.

He rolled the sleeve up and saw all the angry red lines on Seungmin’s arm. 

He looked at the brown haired boy while said boy was avoiding eye contact. He didn’t try to get him to look at him this time though and instead went in for hug.

He wrapped the older in his arms. “W-Why hyung?” He whispered next to his ear.

The older didn’t answer him, choosing to stay silent and cry with him instead.

They stayed like that for what felt like hours until their sobs turned into short sniffles. Seungmin tried leaning out of the hug but felt the younger tighten his hold on him. 

“M-Minjae.” His groggy voice let out. “G-Go back to your room and s-sleep.” He said hoping Minjae would oblige.

“No. I’m sleeping with you tonight.” The other insisted. “W-What?” Seungmin stuttered out in surprise and confusion. 

“I’m not leaving you alone, it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it but I really care about you okay? No matter what anyone tells you you’re important to me okay?”

“Okay..” Seungmin muttered. A small smile on his lips

And for once he felt as if he didn’t need to pretend to be happy.


End file.
